Trite Comfort

In this month’s Waking Up on the Planet e-newsletter, I talked about how little comfort we give to those who are struggling when we tell them "it’s meant to be," "everything happens for a reason" or "there’s a lesson in this for you." I suggested that, while we may embrace these theories, they excuse us from offering concrete help and healing – acknowledging a friend’s pain, allowing him or her to express it in whatever way offers relief, sitting in that uneasy place with our hearts, and listening ears, wide open. It’s not always easy to know what to say in the face of another’s despair, but knowing what not to say is equally useful:

"This, too, shall pass."
"He/she is in a better place now."
"He/she is better off now."
"It’s God’s will."
"It’s the way of the universe."
"It’s time to move on."
"Time heals all wounds."
"Be grateful for what you’ve got."
"It could be worse."
"Crying doesn’t solve anything."
"What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger."
"God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle."

All of these cliches fail to recognize how people’s grief, loss, disappointment or despair transforms the quality of their lives and demands expression, acknowledgment and some measure of relief. It needn’t be profound; usually the simplest offerings, like a visit, a meal, or your undivided attention will do.

Surely it’s true that "into each life, some rain must fall." But when you’re standing in a downpour, you don’t want quaint wisdom; you want an umbrella.