New Year, New Practice

As promised in the most recent issue of my e-newsletter, Waking Up on the Planet, I am reviving and re-launching this blog in the new year. My intention is to post here every week (Tuesday afternoons) ... starting January 8. I'll be providing the same tips, resources and "Wake-Up Calls" subscribers are used to seeing, plus some notes about my life as a writer/author and more personal adventures. In the next few weeks, you'll be able to set up a feed if you'd like to get these posts in your email. In the meantime, please bookmark this page and return every week. And by all means, share your comments! More coming soon...

Is Self-Help More Harmful Than Helpful?

What if none of these is true?:

"Do what you love; the money will follow."
"As long as you work hard, you can be anything you want."
"Believe, and you’ll achieve."
"You get what you deserve."
"You can think your way to success."
"Anyone can get rich."
"Nice people finish first."
"What you put out into the world, you get in return."
"You can have it all."
"You’re limited only by your imagination."

The self-help aisle at your local bookstore is full of assertions that we’ve read or heard so often, we’ve come to accept them as truth. The more skeptical among us may question content; the cynics often dismiss the genre outright. As an author myself, I’ve been thinking about the motives of those who write these books and take their messages on the road, drawing thousands and even millions of followers who embrace their propositions. "The Secret," and Oprah’s endorsement of it, was the phenomenon that got me seriously analyzing what’s going on behind our national self-help obsession.

Someone once said something to the effect that it’s hard to go broke underestimating the unhappiness of the American people. Most of the top-selling self-help books promise a simple recipe for achieving happiness or earning millions. (Most of the latter imply delivery of the former.) If you can develop a unique or even slightly fresh plan of action for cultivating contentment or wealth, and you can get it published, you yourself have a better shot than most at becoming richer and, by implication, happier. I can’t watch "The Secret" DVD without picturing all of those personal growth gurus imagining raking in dough by participating, and now having it be so. It certainly worked for them.

But that doesn’t make it a natural law, or true for the rest of us. I don’t even need to question whether or not they believe their own outsized success stories; I can assume that they do, and still wonder why they’re so sure their experience can be everyone else’s. I have great respect for Oprah Winfrey, but I take issue more and more often with her assertions that her phenomenal achievements are due only to her powers of manifestation, dedication and faith. She doesn’t believe there is any such thing as luck. But I know there are plenty of others who have applied the very same principles and practices to their lives and find themselves still struggling. It seems disingenuous for Oprah to imply that a more complex blend of opportunity, serendipity, smart associates, shrewd business, timing, charisma and yes, a lucky break or two, didn’t deliver her to a singular place in our current culture.

What I’m getting at is this: it’s hard to be told, over and over, that we can all have the life of our dreams if we’ll just follow steps A through Z. That if it doesn’t work out, we’re not doing it right. Or with enough passion. And while none of us wants to believe that those platitudes listed earlier might not be true, doesn’t it feel worse to believe them and then live a life of persistent contradiction?

A healthier approach might be to consider the advice as food for thought or even possibility, rather than guarantee. To recognize Oprah’s "Best Life" as a model, not a promise. To believe that we have more potential, greater adventures ahead, but that our particular road might not end in a pot of gold, but some other satisfaction. Maybe it’s the journey itself – a cliché that just might be worth embracing.

Trite Comfort

In this month’s Waking Up on the Planet e-newsletter, I talked about how little comfort we give to those who are struggling when we tell them "it’s meant to be," "everything happens for a reason" or "there’s a lesson in this for you." I suggested that, while we may embrace these theories, they excuse us from offering concrete help and healing – acknowledging a friend’s pain, allowing him or her to express it in whatever way offers relief, sitting in that uneasy place with our hearts, and listening ears, wide open. It’s not always easy to know what to say in the face of another’s despair, but knowing what not to say is equally useful:

"This, too, shall pass."
"He/she is in a better place now."
"He/she is better off now."
"It’s God’s will."
"It’s the way of the universe."
"It’s time to move on."
"Time heals all wounds."
"Be grateful for what you’ve got."
"It could be worse."
"Crying doesn’t solve anything."
"What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger."
"God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle."

All of these cliches fail to recognize how people’s grief, loss, disappointment or despair transforms the quality of their lives and demands expression, acknowledgment and some measure of relief. It needn’t be profound; usually the simplest offerings, like a visit, a meal, or your undivided attention will do.

Surely it’s true that "into each life, some rain must fall." But when you’re standing in a downpour, you don’t want quaint wisdom; you want an umbrella.

How to Help the Virginia Tech Family

Here are some simple actions you can take to help and support those recovering from the shootings at Virginia Tech; if you know of others, please share by commenting:

Virginia Tech family members all over the country have declared Friday, April 20, an "Orange and Maroon Effect" day. They invite everyone in the country to wear orange and maroon to support the school, community and family members of the victims.

Ask your local bookstore to host a reading of poetry and prose about healing from violence, and pass a hat around for donations. Send the money to the Safe Schools for Kids Virginia Tech Fund.
Ask your civic leaders to organize a candlelight vigil in your town.

Download the sign, created by blogger Nicco.org to show support for Virginia Tech. Print it out and post it in your car or home window, or on a community bulletin board.

Post your condolences online.

Suggest to your local high school that they invite a speaker from Rachel's Challenge to address students about alternatives to violence. Rachel's Challenge was founded by Columbine High School shooting survivor Craig Scott to honor his sister, who was killed in that tragedy.

Ask local businesses to donate a portion of their proceeds on a given day to the Virginia Tech Family Fund, University Development, 902 Prices Fork Road, Blacksburg, VA 24061.

The Real News at Virginia Tech

Like all of you, I've been watching the terrible sadness unfolding day by day at Virginia Tech. But I am most troubled by the turn the coverage took yesterday, an endless examination of the shooter and his "motives" -- including, now, photos and video -- as if it will provide us with a reason, something that actually makes sense. We need so badly to believe that we can recognize grief before it reaches us, that we can assess and contain madness, that we can prevent tragedies of all kinds. We now know that this young man was mentally ill; is this news? Didn't we know this the minute we heard about the incident?

We convince ourselves that by studying circumstances, we can avoid or alter them in the future. But this strategy requires identifying What Went Wrong, including placing blame. We hear "experts" argue about campus security, mental health screening, gun control, police procedure. But there are two sides to all of these issues for a reason: making changes to any or all of them still won't guarantee our safety. And that is a conclusion our controlling culture just can't bear.

What if we simply accepted that these things happen, beyond reason or regulation? What if we skipped over the endless analysis of a person whose behavior is beyond our understanding and focused, instead, on the flip side of tragedy? On the flip side are stories of loving relationships, of inspired lives and deep friendship, of bravery and compassion and the kindness of strangers. Imagine if, out of every event of this nature, we got 'round the clock coverage of these things, an opportunity to bask in all that is right with our world.

One person unleashed a terrible thing at Virginia Tech; as a result, millions are showing the blinding beauty of humanity at its best.

A Long Hiatus

It's been a long time since I posted my thoughts here. I have been spending all of my hours lately pitching articles about purposeful living to magazines. It's a lot of work, but I want this community of Everyday Altruists to grow, so we can trade experiences, information and support. So far, your comments here have been almost nil; are you out there reading quietly to yourselves? Please do join in. By generating a lively exchange, we'll discover mutual intentions and new ways to design a better world. I'm still learning the blogging ropes, so I haven't yet done everything I can to bring more people here, like listing in blog directories and setting up RSS feeds ... but I will soon.

That said, I am finding that I'm not naturally inclined to empty my mind online every week, much less more often. But I keep renewing my vow. My goal is to get here twice a week, Mondays and Thursdays, to share thoughts, tips and resources that help you to create a purposeful life. It would help to know that you're out there, bringing your unique energies to this effort. Commenting is easy -- what's on your mind today?

Larry Stewart's Legacy

Two weeks after his death, I’m still thinking about Larry Stewart, the "Secret Santa" who, over 26 years, gave away more than a million dollars to strangers in need. Back in November, I asked Benevolent Planet’s Everyday Altruists to send anonymous sentiments to Mr. Stewart, and reports indicate that he did, in fact, receive thousands of well-wishes in the weeks before he died. I hope yours was among them.

While Larry Stewart’s deeds were inspiring in themselves, I find his "backstory" even more compelling. He was moved to his habit of giving by experiencing desperate need himself, and the overwhelming gratitude that comes when a stranger lends a hand. You can read the story in this article by columnist Leonard Pitts, Jr.

This isn’t the first time I’ve learned of someone whose own struggle switched on the light of compassion for others. It’s easier to put yourself in someone else’s shoes when you’ve worn a similar pair yourself. You understand things that people in more comfortable shoes simply can’t, at least not on the gut level that helps you respond in exactly the right way.

This is why, I would suggest, President Bush’s plan for making health insurance affordable through tax credits is misguided. The well-off routinely look to tax relief as a means for keeping more of their money; the poor earn too little to owe even the value of the proposed credit. Even if they did, they can’t afford a premium every month that they hope to recoup at tax time. And like everything else they must buy to survive, health insurance will be competing with food and housing on their meager budgets, and it will continue to be a lower priority.

Anyone who has had to drop health insurance to afford rent and groceries understands this. George Bush has never been there. Larry Stewart has. And if you have, recognize that you are divinely qualified for the important work of uplifting others, in the smallest but most powerful ways.

Read and sign Larry Stewart’s Legacy guestbook.

Rosie and Donald Need a Time-Out

Before I talk -- very briefly, promise -- about the truly shameful "feud" between Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell, I want to apologize for being away from this blog for far too long. I've been working hard to spread the Benevolent Planet philosophy via national magazine articles, Web publications and media companies, so that our community of Everyday Altruists continues to grow and intensify its energies. I may be asking some of you, in the monthly e-newsletter, in our forum and on this blog, to contribute your experiences from time to time, so please do check in.

Now, on to the nastiness. My take is simple: Going spontaneously for the cheap laugh, Rosie lost sight of the fact that a man is often every bit as sensitive about his hair loss as a woman is about her weight. Jokes at the expense of another are never all that funny. Donald Trump's response, however, is beyond cruel, and his excuse of it as "just being honest" is even less excusable. Those who confuse honesty with hateful words intended to wound are as dishonest as they come. I find it particularly shameful that children are being exposed to this juvenile war of words between adults, and that Trump is currently featured in a "The More You Know" public service ad that discourages kids from smoking. I would imagine that his credibility, even with kids, is shot, and that using him as a role model is a terrible error in judgment.

Which brings me to the entertainment media, whose role in this, I would suggest, is the least admirable of all. If they hadn't reported it, it never would have gained ground, and we -- and our kids -- wouldn't have been exposed to it. If they hadn't gleefully broadcast every letter and repeated every exchange, neither party would have enjoyed the brighter spotlight and the whole thing would have been contained as brief industry gossip. Rosie and The Donald may have revealed their most childish selves, but the media, by treating us like children cheering on two playground bullies, have proven just how much growing up they have to do.