Is Self-Help More Harmful Than Helpful?

What if none of these is true?:

"Do what you love; the money will follow."
"As long as you work hard, you can be anything you want."
"Believe, and you’ll achieve."
"You get what you deserve."
"You can think your way to success."
"Anyone can get rich."
"Nice people finish first."
"What you put out into the world, you get in return."
"You can have it all."
"You’re limited only by your imagination."

The self-help aisle at your local bookstore is full of assertions that we’ve read or heard so often, we’ve come to accept them as truth. The more skeptical among us may question content; the cynics often dismiss the genre outright. As an author myself, I’ve been thinking about the motives of those who write these books and take their messages on the road, drawing thousands and even millions of followers who embrace their propositions. "The Secret," and Oprah’s endorsement of it, was the phenomenon that got me seriously analyzing what’s going on behind our national self-help obsession.

Someone once said something to the effect that it’s hard to go broke underestimating the unhappiness of the American people. Most of the top-selling self-help books promise a simple recipe for achieving happiness or earning millions. (Most of the latter imply delivery of the former.) If you can develop a unique or even slightly fresh plan of action for cultivating contentment or wealth, and you can get it published, you yourself have a better shot than most at becoming richer and, by implication, happier. I can’t watch "The Secret" DVD without picturing all of those personal growth gurus imagining raking in dough by participating, and now having it be so. It certainly worked for them.

But that doesn’t make it a natural law, or true for the rest of us. I don’t even need to question whether or not they believe their own outsized success stories; I can assume that they do, and still wonder why they’re so sure their experience can be everyone else’s. I have great respect for Oprah Winfrey, but I take issue more and more often with her assertions that her phenomenal achievements are due only to her powers of manifestation, dedication and faith. She doesn’t believe there is any such thing as luck. But I know there are plenty of others who have applied the very same principles and practices to their lives and find themselves still struggling. It seems disingenuous for Oprah to imply that a more complex blend of opportunity, serendipity, smart associates, shrewd business, timing, charisma and yes, a lucky break or two, didn’t deliver her to a singular place in our current culture.

What I’m getting at is this: it’s hard to be told, over and over, that we can all have the life of our dreams if we’ll just follow steps A through Z. That if it doesn’t work out, we’re not doing it right. Or with enough passion. And while none of us wants to believe that those platitudes listed earlier might not be true, doesn’t it feel worse to believe them and then live a life of persistent contradiction?

A healthier approach might be to consider the advice as food for thought or even possibility, rather than guarantee. To recognize Oprah’s "Best Life" as a model, not a promise. To believe that we have more potential, greater adventures ahead, but that our particular road might not end in a pot of gold, but some other satisfaction. Maybe it’s the journey itself – a cliché that just might be worth embracing.

Trite Comfort

In this month’s Waking Up on the Planet e-newsletter, I talked about how little comfort we give to those who are struggling when we tell them "it’s meant to be," "everything happens for a reason" or "there’s a lesson in this for you." I suggested that, while we may embrace these theories, they excuse us from offering concrete help and healing – acknowledging a friend’s pain, allowing him or her to express it in whatever way offers relief, sitting in that uneasy place with our hearts, and listening ears, wide open. It’s not always easy to know what to say in the face of another’s despair, but knowing what not to say is equally useful:

"This, too, shall pass."
"He/she is in a better place now."
"He/she is better off now."
"It’s God’s will."
"It’s the way of the universe."
"It’s time to move on."
"Time heals all wounds."
"Be grateful for what you’ve got."
"It could be worse."
"Crying doesn’t solve anything."
"What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger."
"God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle."

All of these cliches fail to recognize how people’s grief, loss, disappointment or despair transforms the quality of their lives and demands expression, acknowledgment and some measure of relief. It needn’t be profound; usually the simplest offerings, like a visit, a meal, or your undivided attention will do.

Surely it’s true that "into each life, some rain must fall." But when you’re standing in a downpour, you don’t want quaint wisdom; you want an umbrella.

How to Help the Virginia Tech Family

Here are some simple actions you can take to help and support those recovering from the shootings at Virginia Tech; if you know of others, please share by commenting:

Virginia Tech family members all over the country have declared Friday, April 20, an "Orange and Maroon Effect" day. They invite everyone in the country to wear orange and maroon to support the school, community and family members of the victims.

Ask your local bookstore to host a reading of poetry and prose about healing from violence, and pass a hat around for donations. Send the money to the Safe Schools for Kids Virginia Tech Fund.
Ask your civic leaders to organize a candlelight vigil in your town.

Download the sign, created by blogger Nicco.org to show support for Virginia Tech. Print it out and post it in your car or home window, or on a community bulletin board.

Post your condolences online.

Suggest to your local high school that they invite a speaker from Rachel's Challenge to address students about alternatives to violence. Rachel's Challenge was founded by Columbine High School shooting survivor Craig Scott to honor his sister, who was killed in that tragedy.

Ask local businesses to donate a portion of their proceeds on a given day to the Virginia Tech Family Fund, University Development, 902 Prices Fork Road, Blacksburg, VA 24061.

The Real News at Virginia Tech

Like all of you, I've been watching the terrible sadness unfolding day by day at Virginia Tech. But I am most troubled by the turn the coverage took yesterday, an endless examination of the shooter and his "motives" -- including, now, photos and video -- as if it will provide us with a reason, something that actually makes sense. We need so badly to believe that we can recognize grief before it reaches us, that we can assess and contain madness, that we can prevent tragedies of all kinds. We now know that this young man was mentally ill; is this news? Didn't we know this the minute we heard about the incident?

We convince ourselves that by studying circumstances, we can avoid or alter them in the future. But this strategy requires identifying What Went Wrong, including placing blame. We hear "experts" argue about campus security, mental health screening, gun control, police procedure. But there are two sides to all of these issues for a reason: making changes to any or all of them still won't guarantee our safety. And that is a conclusion our controlling culture just can't bear.

What if we simply accepted that these things happen, beyond reason or regulation? What if we skipped over the endless analysis of a person whose behavior is beyond our understanding and focused, instead, on the flip side of tragedy? On the flip side are stories of loving relationships, of inspired lives and deep friendship, of bravery and compassion and the kindness of strangers. Imagine if, out of every event of this nature, we got 'round the clock coverage of these things, an opportunity to bask in all that is right with our world.

One person unleashed a terrible thing at Virginia Tech; as a result, millions are showing the blinding beauty of humanity at its best.

A Long Hiatus

It's been a long time since I posted my thoughts here. I have been spending all of my hours lately pitching articles about purposeful living to magazines. It's a lot of work, but I want this community of Everyday Altruists to grow, so we can trade experiences, information and support. So far, your comments here have been almost nil; are you out there reading quietly to yourselves? Please do join in. By generating a lively exchange, we'll discover mutual intentions and new ways to design a better world. I'm still learning the blogging ropes, so I haven't yet done everything I can to bring more people here, like listing in blog directories and setting up RSS feeds ... but I will soon.

That said, I am finding that I'm not naturally inclined to empty my mind online every week, much less more often. But I keep renewing my vow. My goal is to get here twice a week, Mondays and Thursdays, to share thoughts, tips and resources that help you to create a purposeful life. It would help to know that you're out there, bringing your unique energies to this effort. Commenting is easy -- what's on your mind today?

Larry Stewart's Legacy

Two weeks after his death, I’m still thinking about Larry Stewart, the "Secret Santa" who, over 26 years, gave away more than a million dollars to strangers in need. Back in November, I asked Benevolent Planet’s Everyday Altruists to send anonymous sentiments to Mr. Stewart, and reports indicate that he did, in fact, receive thousands of well-wishes in the weeks before he died. I hope yours was among them.

While Larry Stewart’s deeds were inspiring in themselves, I find his "backstory" even more compelling. He was moved to his habit of giving by experiencing desperate need himself, and the overwhelming gratitude that comes when a stranger lends a hand. You can read the story in this article by columnist Leonard Pitts, Jr.

This isn’t the first time I’ve learned of someone whose own struggle switched on the light of compassion for others. It’s easier to put yourself in someone else’s shoes when you’ve worn a similar pair yourself. You understand things that people in more comfortable shoes simply can’t, at least not on the gut level that helps you respond in exactly the right way.

This is why, I would suggest, President Bush’s plan for making health insurance affordable through tax credits is misguided. The well-off routinely look to tax relief as a means for keeping more of their money; the poor earn too little to owe even the value of the proposed credit. Even if they did, they can’t afford a premium every month that they hope to recoup at tax time. And like everything else they must buy to survive, health insurance will be competing with food and housing on their meager budgets, and it will continue to be a lower priority.

Anyone who has had to drop health insurance to afford rent and groceries understands this. George Bush has never been there. Larry Stewart has. And if you have, recognize that you are divinely qualified for the important work of uplifting others, in the smallest but most powerful ways.

Read and sign Larry Stewart’s Legacy guestbook.

Rosie and Donald Need a Time-Out

Before I talk -- very briefly, promise -- about the truly shameful "feud" between Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell, I want to apologize for being away from this blog for far too long. I've been working hard to spread the Benevolent Planet philosophy via national magazine articles, Web publications and media companies, so that our community of Everyday Altruists continues to grow and intensify its energies. I may be asking some of you, in the monthly e-newsletter, in our forum and on this blog, to contribute your experiences from time to time, so please do check in.

Now, on to the nastiness. My take is simple: Going spontaneously for the cheap laugh, Rosie lost sight of the fact that a man is often every bit as sensitive about his hair loss as a woman is about her weight. Jokes at the expense of another are never all that funny. Donald Trump's response, however, is beyond cruel, and his excuse of it as "just being honest" is even less excusable. Those who confuse honesty with hateful words intended to wound are as dishonest as they come. I find it particularly shameful that children are being exposed to this juvenile war of words between adults, and that Trump is currently featured in a "The More You Know" public service ad that discourages kids from smoking. I would imagine that his credibility, even with kids, is shot, and that using him as a role model is a terrible error in judgment.

Which brings me to the entertainment media, whose role in this, I would suggest, is the least admirable of all. If they hadn't reported it, it never would have gained ground, and we -- and our kids -- wouldn't have been exposed to it. If they hadn't gleefully broadcast every letter and repeated every exchange, neither party would have enjoyed the brighter spotlight and the whole thing would have been contained as brief industry gossip. Rosie and The Donald may have revealed their most childish selves, but the media, by treating us like children cheering on two playground bullies, have proven just how much growing up they have to do.

More Gifts That Give Back

Do you like to buy ornaments to give as holiday gifts -- or even to add to your own collection? Renowned designer Christopher Radko creates hand-blown glass treasures that benefit charitable causes, including AIDS research, children's cancer charities, animal welfare and more. Check out his "Heart of America" ornament, whose purchase helps fund post-Katrina rebuilding efforts. Order these ornaments now; each one is 7 days in the making.

Gifts That Give Back

In the November issue of Waking Up on the Planet, I promised to post resources here for holiday gifts whose purchase helps others in need. Here's the source I gave in the e-newsletter for helping New Orleans residents who are trying to rebuild after Hurricane Katrina:
Visit MissMalaprop.com – “indie finds for your uncommon life” – and click on the New Orleans and NOLA links listed on the right. You’ll find great, one-of-a-kind gifts created by Gulf Coast artists and small-business owners whose economic recovery from Katrina could get a boost from your purchase. For example, your purchase of a “Rebuild New Orleans” handcrafted ornament from Heather Elizabeth Designs for $19.95 benefits the New Orleans Musicians Clinic and City Park Restoration Fund.

Come on back for more; I'll post two new resources each week.

All Rise and Pledge Compassion

A wise friend recently sent me the link below to Matthew Levine's inspired "Anthem for the World." It seems particularly appropriate on this day when the Martin Luther King Jr. memorial is being dedicated in Washington. I know you will find it every bit as uplifting as I did, and I hope you'll share it with friends and family. It would be nice to have it passed around the globe, like a gift or prayer:

http://www.anthemfortheworld.com/house-divided.html

With deepest thanks to Matthew for making music his message.

Wealth in My Pocket

In her best-selling book, Simple Abundance, author Sarah ban Breathnach suggests that we tuck a $20 bill into the pockets of coats that we put away after winter, so we'll have the delight of discovering the forgotten cash when we take the coat out again a year later. I didn't have any 20s to spare last spring, but I did find a note in my pocket last week when I wore my fall jacket for the first time. It was from a woman who'd found a copy of my book, The Difference a Day Makes, in her room at a local bed 'n' breakfast and, as a result, had subsequently bought 10 signed copies from me. She'd listed the names of the 10 people she wanted me to address with my signature, and underneath, she wrote, "Thank you -- your book kept me up in a wonderful way the other night. Reading it evoked my hope and my determination, and I appreciate your mind and soul work in doing it."

No amount of 20s could possibly have made me feel richer.

Pure Poetry

Someone sent me this poem last week, and I thought I would share it here, since so many of you continue to ask what you can do to promote peace. While the author asked that her name not be revealed, she gave permission for me -- and anyone -- to share/forward as you wish.

Talking Points

Yes, I want to cut and run
I want to cut all ties to casual cruelty
and run toward reason, humanity's arms.

I want to cut through pain and politics
religion and revenge
and run a stream of healing through
this gaping, gasping wound.

I want to cut into this parched landscape
and run a current of compassion
into its dead heart.

I want to pick up all the splintered pieces
and pull out all the choking weeds
and give my hands to restoration and
redemption.

I want to cut out every charred and
blood-soaked image
of dishonor, dismembered
I want to run with warmer winds
straight into peace
and purpose.

- Author Unrevealed (by request)

At the Heart of Amish Country

The shootings at the Amish schoolhouse in Nickel Mines, Pennsylvania, have left a particularly persistent ache with me, since I grew up about 45 minutes from this area and still drive through it every time I visit my mother. The Amish and Mennonite people were not an unusual presence in my hometown. I intend to write more about these peace-loving citizens and their response to this tragic event in my "Wake-Up Call" for October's e-newsletter. In the meantime, if you are moved to respond to this heart-rending incident, here are some actions you can take today:

> At the request of Amish community leaders, Coatesville Savings Bank has established two funds, donations to either of which should be sent to Coatesville Savings Bank, 1082 Georgetown Road, Paradise, PA 17562:

To support victims of the schoolhouse tragedy, mark your donation for the Nickel Mines Children's Fund.

To support the young children of the man who perpetrated the violence, send donations marked for the Roberts Family Fund.

If you live in the region, you can also drop off donations at any of the bank’s branches including Coatesville, New Holland and Oxford.

> Send donations and/or letters of support to the Nickel Mines School Victims Fund, c/o Hometown Heritage Bank, P.O. 337, Strasburg, PA 17579.

> To donate funds to help victims' families with transportation, medical care, supportive care and other needs, call the Mennonite Central Committee (717-859-1151) or the Mennonite Disaster Service (717-859-2210) or donate online at mds.mennonite.net or mcc.org; tell them you wish to designate funds for the Amish School Recovery Fund.

> If you would like to send a thoughtful note or card to the families of children recovering in hospitals, you may wish to send sentiments addressed to A Special Child From Nickel Mines in Your Care:
c/o Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, 34th Street and Civic Center Boulevard, Philadelphia, PA 19104-4399
OR
c/o Penn State Hershey Medical Center, 500 University Drive, Hershey, PA 17033

Let's all keep these children, their parents and the entire community in our most healing thoughts.

Red Light

I was in my car, stopped at a red light, when a car in the lane next to mine drifted forward and struck the rear bumper of the vehicle in front of it. A man, looking loaded for bear, got out of the whacked car, and I braced myself to witness the inevitable confrontation. A woman jumped out of the offending vehicle and began a litany of apology. Maybe it was her obvious distress, or maybe it was because the bumper was unblemished, but the man's face immediately softened and he assured her -- with a smile! -- that it was fine, no harm done. Both got back into their cars, and I let out my breath, and that green light never looked so bright.

War Is Hell

As if we need any more reasons to wish an end to war, I read in The Washington Post about 22-year-old Spec. Edward Richmond, who just completed a two-year prison sentence for killing an Iraqi civilian. Edward's parents tell folks that their son joined the Army after September 11, as if the attack on America was the reason. But it turns out that then 18-year-old Edward was facing charges for possession of cocaine with intent to distribute, possession of marijuana, battery of a police officer and resisting arrest; it was suggested that the DA wouldn't seek a conviction if Edward joined the Army, and so he did. The felonies weren't the first of Edward's troubles; they capped off years of hostility toward authority, fights and other signs of alienation. His recruiter said, "He had some problems, but it wasn't anything that we couldn't put him in the Army for."

Edward ended up shooting a cow herder who'd been handcuffed and led away by a superior officer, the result, he says, of misinterpreting the situation. His father is suing the Army because that officer, he discovered, may also have killed Iraqi civilians and yet testified against his son at trial. But despite the father's obvious love for his son, another soldier's separate actions don't change what Edward did. The father said it himself: "War is not a pretty thing. Things happen in a war zone."

Unimaginable things. Instead of trying to justify them from all sides, we'd do better to look them in the eye and recognize them for the unadorned horrors they are.

Ironies & Contradictions

Last Sunday's Washington Post was filled with what I quickly labeled, Ironies & Contradictions. Among the stories that qualified:

An artist making a legitimate point about poverty being "the elephant in the room" that no one talks about honored one compassionate instinct while compromising another. He set up a room, complete with gold-flocked red wallpaper, in a Los Angeles warehouse and then not only posed a live Indian elephant in the center of it for the exhibit's three-day run, but covered the creature in red and gold paint to match the room's decor. Animal advocates spoke up on behalf of Tai, the 38-year-old elephant, and the paint was washed off for the final day. But I look forward to the day when we stop using animals as clever props and entertainment altogether.

And speaking of animal welfare and otherwise well-intentioned human beings, another article on the same page was about a man who came up with an idea for providing homes for people without them. The inspiration struck while he was out hunting.

Finally, what's wrong with this headline?: "Mother, Fetus Killed; Friend Is Charged." There was no simultaneous good to that one.

Those Who Judge

Today a jury gave its verdict in the re-trial of Andrea Yates, who said she heard voices that told her to drown her five children in a bathtub. Not guilty, by reason of insanity. Whether or not you have trouble feeling compassion for Andrea Yates, surely we would feel less conflicted if our justice system revised its language. In a culture that routinely abandons personal responsibility, wouldn't we do better to render such defendants "guilty and insane"?

In Warriors' Words

I wrote about war in July's issue of Waking Up on the Planet. It's easy to apply compassion priciples to the horror of war, but much more challenging to define the appropriately compassionate response to those whose job is to wage that war. We hear all the time that people "oppose the war but support the troops." But what, exactly, does it mean to support them?

Back in May, The Washington Post ran a feature titled "Voices of 100 Veterans" and let them share their perspectives. Their divergent views showed just how misguided we might be when offering support in the forms we think they need. Some examples:

"You know what was really amazing? The people who said, '...you know, I don't support the cause, but .... I'm always going to support the troops.' I was just dumbfounded by that. I asked this one guy why you don't support the cause. He said, 'I've been watching the news.' 'Well,' I said, 'that's your problem.' "

"Sometimes it hurts to know Americans have all but forgotten us. America has totally forgotten about Afghanistan."

"It's hard to look at Americans and not say, 'You are fat, lazy, and have no idea what you have.' The very first time I go into McDonald's and hear someone complaining that there isn't enough ice in their Coke, I'm going to punch them in the face."

"I felt a little undeserving because of all the thanks I received. I felt like I was just doing my job."

"[When we landed back home,] you could smell the grass...I hadn't smelled that smell for a year. It hit me and made me realize I was home."

These are just examples of the variety of attitudes any given soldier might have, and even these may change over time. So how can you know what to do or say? Listen.

Cash Conversion

Many of you who subscribe to Waking Up on the Planet have said that its regular Cash Conversion feature is your favorite item. I aim to please:

Cash Conversion
$357 million =

> Value of retirement package granted to ex-Exxon Mobil Corp. CEO Lee Raymond, who stepped down in January (Source: Chicago Tribune)
> Cost to provide 16,227 drivers with a Honda Civic hybrid. (Source: MSN Money)

In Good Company

Without question, the most gratifying part of having authored The Difference a Day Makes: 365 Ways to Change Your World in Just 24 Hours is the arena of remarkable, compassionate people I've been privileged to meet and work among. For example, Difference is currently paired for discount purchase on Amazon.com with the recently released Three Cups of Tea: One Man's Mission to Fight Terrorism and Build Nations . . . One School at a Time by Greg Mortenson. Greg builds schools in troubled regions of Pakistan and Afghanistan, and he was kind enough to provide remarks for the "Thoughts That Count" quotations that appear throughout Difference. Among his contributions: "When I look into the eyes of the children in Afghanistan and Pakistan, I see my own children. I think that the greatest thing we can do for all of them is to leave them a legacy of peace. This is what motivates me." Greg is one of the most inspiring people I've ever had the pleasure to know. Read more about him here.